he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
