my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
