in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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