I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
