I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
