omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
