My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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