Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
