Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
