I got chris browned last night
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
