i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
