you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
