Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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