Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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