There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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