Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
