I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
