first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
