just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
A+ Viking dick
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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