Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me