I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch