if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Welp...herpes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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