So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You're a waste of cheezeits
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
