That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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