i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
