Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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