On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
