She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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