im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
