you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
