I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Barsexuality is the new black.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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