my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
