Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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