oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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