Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
