People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
