Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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