I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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