I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
