And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
