If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
