My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
