just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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