I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
