I was born with a shot glass in my hand
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
