Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
