I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
