put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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