well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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