keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
