remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
